Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Happy Almost Rebirthday to Me!

I went book shopping today, and found myself excruciatingly disappointed that I couldn't find the elusive Perfect Book that I've been anxiously awaiting for years - the reason I can't find it being simply that I haven't written it yet. I keep hoping someone else will write it for me and save me the trouble. But that's not going to happen, so I should really hurry up and write it myself.

I think my novel needs a huge overhaul, to be honest. I think I painted myself into a corner trying to write fiction about things I don't actually feel knowledgeable enough to write about, promising myself I'd research and become knowledgeable later when in reality no matter how much research I do I never really feel qualified. So I think I need to strip the whole thing down to the original autobiographical structure and ask myself just why, after all, I really wanted it to be fiction instead of fact in the first place. Was it sheer pretentiousness? I remember debating the fiction/fact issue carefully with myself and I remember my arguments but I don't really find them that persuasive anymore. In any case, the current arrangement just really isn't working and I've let myself stay stuck far too long.

I had a five-hour-long conversation with Arsenothelys today, first on AIM and then on IRC, filling up the entire afternoon in my time zone and keeping him or her up most of the night in Belgium. It's been a long time since I talked to anyone for nearly that long and I was pretty tired at the end of it (and Arsenothelys was completely exhausted from being up all night) but it was a really beautiful conversation. We were talking during part of it about our choices to be queer - Arsenothelys converted to bisexuality on his or her first day of college, and I converted one day in the spring of 10th grade - unfortunately dealing with the consequences of it took priority at first over writing down what date I converted on, but about a month and a half later I looked back and tried to remember the date it had happened on so that I could celebrate its anniversary every year. I know for sure that I converted late in the evening, and that I had school the next day, because immediately after deciding to turn queer I wrote a note to my best friend to tell her about it and find out if she wanted to go out with me, and I put the note in my backpack to give to her first thing the next morning at school (which I did), and then I went to sleep. I also do not remember having gone to school earlier that day, which made me think it was probably a Sunday, since that way I'd have had school the next day but not have had school earlier that day. And in 1992, the Sundays in April were April 1st, April 8th, April 15th and April 22nd. If I'd converted on April Fool's Day I'm sure I'd have noticed, so that means it wasn't then. If I'd converted on April 15th then my mother's birthday was only 4 days later and I'm pretty sure I'd remember that too. So that leaves April 8th and April 22nd as the most likely candidates to celebrate my rebirthday on, and April 22nd seems a bit later than I think it actually happened, so I settled on April 8th as my personal holiday.

At my current job, we're always given half a day off for our birthdays. For this reason, I never fail to take half a day off for my rebirthday as well. These things need to be celebrated.

I plan to spend tomorrow afternoon working on my website, because that seems an appropriate way to celebrate and I have lots of things on it that I've been meaning to fix for months anyway.
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