Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin
queerbychoice

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Nothing Expresses My Feelings so Accurately as Trash Fiction Serials

I can't believe how I just spent the past seven hours.

I spent it reading a piece of amateur X-files fan fiction, titled, of all the ridiculous titles, "The Seven Sides of the Triangle" (every chapter is a new "side" to the triangle, and apparently it started out as a trilogy and just kept on going).

It's also important to mention here that I've never seen a single episode of the X-files, nor do I even have the slightest idea what the characters or actors in it even look like. I know I must be the only person in America who doesn't. But I absolutely never turn on my TV.

So why on earth did I spend my last seven hours that way?

Well, I certainly didn't plan on it. I stumbled into the page while running a
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I can't <i>believe</i> how I just spent the past seven hours.

I spent it reading a piece of amateur X-files fan fiction, titled, of all the ridiculous titles, <a href="http://www.squidge.org/basement/library/novels/susanjames-triangle010194-nvl.htm">"The Seven Sides of the Triangle"</a> (every chapter is a new "side" to the triangle, and apparently it started out as a trilogy and just kept on going).

It's also important to mention here that I've never seen a single episode of the X-files, nor do I even have the slightest idea what the characters or actors in it even <i>look</i> like. I know I must be the only person in America who doesn't. But I absolutely <i>never</i> turn on my TV.

So why on earth did I spend my last seven hours that way?

Well, I certainly didn't plan on it. I stumbled into the page while running a <a href="http://www.google.com/search?q="sexual+preference"+choose+queer&hl=en&safe=off&start=460&sa=N">search</a> on Google hoping to find some new <a href="http://www.queerbychoice.com/choicelinks.html">queer by choice websites</a>. The page happened to come up. And, well, I guess I just started reading. And then I couldn't stop.

It wasn't any historical milestone of literary achievement. In fact, it was packed with irritatingly self-conscious propagandizing and it positively reeked of "I can't help it" sentiments on every page. It's just that it was about unrequited mixed-orientation love, and I'm a hopeless sucker for those kinds of stories. Always will be, I suppose - no matter <i>how</i> badly they're written. I've spent too many years experiencing the stories to be able to resist them.

I remember the last time I spontaneously spent an unbelievable number of hours reading a not-really-all-that-well-written online story. That time the story was from an online comic, <a href="http://members.nbci.com/_XMCM/TeiRiki/manga/table1.htm">"Tei and Riki"</a>. Pretty much the same story, though with the genders and orientations switched around a bit: in the X-files story it was a straight woman in love with a gay man, and in "Tei and Riki" it was a queer boy in love with a het boy. Also in "Tei and Riki" I had the feeling that the author was going to let Tei return Riki's love someday, whereas in the X-files story it was clear from the first page that the author was much too committed to the "I can't help it" refrain to ever let the situation resolve itself the way <i>I</i> wanted. But it still came down to the same thing in the end: I stayed up for hours looking desperately for the frame where scaredy-cat Tei would finally confess his undying love for Tei and they'd both fall immediately into the nearest bed - but then I got to the last frame and it turned out the story is a serial and the ending hasn't been written yet and furthermore, Tei almost <i>can't</i> admit he's in love with Riki for the simple reason that if he did, the basic premise of the entire plot would be finished and there'd be nothing to keep readers coming back for more.

I don't know why I have to read these things. They always hurt so much. But that's what fiction's for, I suppose: a safe way to force me to feel the pain.

Well, I felt it. And I'm terribly lonely now. And I need to go to bed, because I stayed up far too late reading these sad lonely stories that hurt me.
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