Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Medical Report

Patient was declared fully unconscious at 2:20 p.m. Surgery began at approximately 2:30 p.m.

Patient's plastic skin was carefully opened, and patient's guts were spilled out onto the floor. Inexperienced surgeon restrained urge to panic and, after several minutes of searching, located appropriate location to insert artificial organ. Artificial organ was inserted into place. Inexperienced surgeon discovered that the appropriate device for stitching the organ into place (a "screw") had not been provided in the packaging. Inexperienced surgeon again restrained urge to panic, and "borrowed" a screw which would otherwise have been used for stitching the patient's skin back together, using this for internal organ attachment instead. Surgeon also noted that patient's internal organs were all coated in so many layers of dust that it was amazing the patient was still alive at all.

Patient's plastic skin was stitched back together at approximately 2:50 p.m. Inexperienced really not entirely competent surgeon then suddenly realized that the artificial organ was supposed to connect to an external orifice, which had instead been left blocked by a piece of smooth metal which did not even look removeable at all. Inexperienced surgeon unstitched all the patient's skin again and removed the organ, then prodded at the obstructive piece of metal with a screwdriver for several minutes. Obstructive piece of metal was successfully removed from blocking the orifice at approximately 3:10 p.m. Inexperienced surgeon then reattached the organ and stitched the patient's skin together all over again. Patient was reawakened from unconsciousness at approximately 3:30 p.m.

Patient's brain appeared to be functioning at the same levels as prior to surgery. Inexperienced surgeon was completely delighted to find that the inexperience and somewhat incompetence of the surgeon had not accidentally rendered the patient a paraplegic vegetable with no brain function.

Patient then underwent tests to see if the patient's brain recognizes the presence of the new organ and can interface with it. These tests proved an utter failure. Patient's brain does not indicate any recognition of the new organ.

At approximately 3:45 p.m., an attempt was made to bypass the patient's apparent nonrecognition of the new organ by making use of the attached orifice as though it were functional, hoping this would stimulate the patient's brain to recognie the organ. This attempt also failed.

Patient is currently recovering from the traumatic surgery, but patient's functioning appears precisely identical to before the surgery, with no sign of any improvement except perhaps for the comforting knowledge that the patient's internal organs are a little less dusty than they were before.

Inexperienced surgeon is frustrated and baffled and requests advice.
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