Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Just now, I attempted to go to bed.

This attempt was promptly interfered with by an alarming noise from behind my blinds.

Soon, I was sitting straight up in bed, staring intently at my blinds, trying to figure out what kind of monstrous huge bug was thrashing around behind them. A moth? A cranefly? I stared raptly for at least ten minutes, afraid to look behind the blinds for fear of letting something horrible escape into the middle of the room. At one point I watched the shadow of it crawl up the other side of my blinds halfway to the ceiling before crashing back down onto the windowsill, still out of sight.

Something about me: I'm rarely terrified of bugs if I know what kind I'm dealing with. But when I don't know, it's an entirely different matter.

I had the lights off all this time. I feared to turn them on because if it was a light-seeking bug that had been drawn to the window in search of light then turning on lights indoors might draw it out into the middle of the room. But anyway, all at once the THING toppled out through the lower blinds onto the windowsill, about six inches from my face. Since the lights wer off all I could see was that it was dark-colored and it was HUGE. Like, more than an inch long, and a good half-inch across too. I picked up a blanket from my bed and attempted to squash it on the windowsill. I had a feeling I'd missed, but wasn't sure.

I turned on the lights after that. Looked around hesitantly. Didn't see the THING anywhere. Dreaded the thought of what it would look like squashed onto the underside of my pretty ivory-colored blanket, and how very unpleasant the task of removing squashed bug parts from my blanked was going to be.

Tentatively lifted up blanket. Could not find squashed bug parts anywhere. Shook blanket around. No squashed bug parts fell out.

Became suddenly even more disturbed than ever.

Put on shoes. Armed myself with large can of Raid from under kitchen sink. Lifted blinds all the way to the ceiling (forgetting for a moment in my panic the fact that the combination of indoor lights on, blinds open and me clad only in underwear was not a terribly wise one). Dragged bed away from wall. Scrutinized entire floor in a panic.

And THERE it was. A big black cricket. Not such a bad bug, once safely identified. I drowned it with Raid until it stopped wiggling, then put on rubber dishwashing gloves and used a plastic grocery bag to throw away the corpse (because a single layer of just gloves or just grocery bag between me and it was not enough of a buffer for my by then deeply rattled nerves).

It took half an hour for my heart rate to return to normal.

Funny the things that terrify us. Next time, Osama bin Laden should just drop a plane-load of crickets upon an American skyscraper.
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