Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin
queerbychoice

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Gubernatorial Recall Election - Highlights from the Candidates' Statements Booklet

Today I received in the mail my informational booklet of candidates' statements for the upcoming California gubernatorial recall election, and I have decided to share the highlights with you.

California residents can skip this entry, since you'll get your own booklet in the mail anyway.

Best of the California Gubernatorial Candidate Statements!
Vik S. Bajwa - Democratic Party: Since the days of the Gold Rush of mid 1880's, its diversity of over 2 centuries, where over 148 different languages, being spoken every day, we have but one thing in common - Dream and Success. I am a recent Immigrant like you, my 3 kids are native Californians, Kamal and I thank God for being in California. I dream like Martin Luther King, for my Grand Children. Please vote for me and let us bring back the Glory of the Golden State. God Bless You and God bless California! As John F. Kennedy said, ask not what the state can do, but what you can do for the state. My Childhood Hero!!
I award Mr. Bajwa the Airhead Award. I really do not care how much he and whoever Kamal is (his wife, I suppose) thank God for being in California, nor do I care about who his childhood heroes were, and it's also a bit odd how he blithely assumes that every person reading this voter information booklet is an immigrant.
Larry Flynt - Democratic Party: I am running for Governor because California is in crisis and needs the kind of strong leadership and sophisticated business sense that I can provide to help restore it. California is big business. I have been a businessman for 35 years. I can do a better job at balancing the budget than those pinhead bureaucrats in Sacramento. I have a simple idea of how to eliminate the deficit without increasing anyone's taxes or cutting funding for any programs - and that is to expand California gaming to include slot machines for all private clubs. State revenue from this would easily enable lawmakers to balance the state budget. My goal is to revive out schools, create secure jobs, lower our water and gasoline bills, as well as our rising insurance costs; and I will fight to create a decent health care system that all Californians can afford. California is the most progressive state in the union and I'm sure its citizens would welcome having a smut peddler who cares as their Governor. I am a staunch civil libertarian; I have fought for most of my adult life to expand the perimeters of Free Speech, even taking a bullet for the First Amendment. People who know me know that my primary concern is basic personal freedoms for all of us - and I will be diligent in securing those freedoms for all Californians.
I do 100% support his right to not be censored or shot, but when looking for someone to vote for, I'd really prefer someone whose idea of putting the First Amendment to good use does not include claiming that pictures of naked women being fed into meat grinders are highly erotic.
Lorraine (Abner Zurd) Fontanes - Democratic Party: With my skills as a filmmaker and arts administrator, I will work to return common sense to California government.
Let's just shorten "Abner Zurd" to "Absurd," shall we? Somehow I don't think that filmmaking is a terribly useful skill in the governor's office. Couldn't she have managed to write at least a few extra sentences mentioning, say, a stance on any issues whatsoever?
Trek Thunder Kelly - Independent: Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize drugs, gambling, and prostitution so they may be taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe in peaceful resolutions backed by a strong military; I don't care who you marry or have sex with.

Ronald Jason Palmieri - Democratic Party: I am living proof of the freedom and opportunity of the greatest country in the world. Only here in America could a second generation American, from Jewish and Italian heritage, who is also a member of the gay community, seek equal rights against a barrage of fear, hatred and misconception. Notwithstanding these barriers, I have been blessed with an incredible extended family, good health, and enormous professional success. I am also the first openly gay man in America running for Governor of the great State of California. My reasons are very fundamental. In my opinion, the recall effort against the Governor is misguided. He should stay in office as duly elected and I urge all voters, regardless of party affiliation, to vote against the recall. As Bill Maher observed, "There are still a lot of Democrats with sour grapes over the last presidential election and they're not collecting petitions to replace George Bush with Bernie Mac." Let the governor finish his term! If the recall succeeds, I lend my support to those Democratic candidates who declare they oppose a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage, champion equal rights for all, a woman's right to choose, and hate crimes legislation. I am not looking for your vote. I want to convince you to vote intelligently and not waste your vote on those, such as me, who will never be elected. I urge you to vote for one who will foster the American dream that allowed me to be on this ballot.
First of all, I just love all these "Please don't vote for me!" campaigns. However, doesn't this business of being grateful for "the American dream that allowed me to be on this ballot" clash sort of awkwardly with the wish to not have been on this ballot - the wish that this ballot had never existed at all and that all elections would be run like normal ones in which people like him would not get to be on the ballot? (Also, I really hate it when queers speak as though they think the mere fact of being queer makes them the single absolute most oppressed group of people on the whole entire planet, despite being rich, white, able-bodied, American, male, et cetera, with ten zillion other advantages. It was fine to mention in passing that he's the first openly gay man to run for governor, but the continuing level of self-pity throughout the rest of the statement, and the almost complete total lack of any issues on his mind other than queer issues, sets off all my annoyance bells.)
Bill Prady - Democratic Party: You know the wonderful world that exists in television comedies - a world where, no matter what problems arise or conflicts exist, people work together to overcome any obstacle and, maybe, learn a little something? Wouldn't you like California to be a place like that? It can be if you elect Bill Prady to be the next governor of our great state. Bill Prady is an award-winning television comedy writer and producer who will bring the skills he's learned creating sitcom episodes to Sacramento. If elected, he pledges to solve all the state's problems in twenty-two minutes and forty-four seconds with two commercial breaks and a hug at the end. After all this turmoil, isn't this just what California needs?

Christopher Ranken - Democratic Party: Stop the recall! - California already faces enough challenges. Now an ugly beast has reared its head to threaten our progress: this recall election. Take a look at the myriad candidates on this ballot. Is this any way to run an election? Of course not. Collectively, we candidates have turned this election into a circus. More importantly, the recall process is a subversion of democracy: the incumbent must receive at least 50% of the votes to remain in office, while a challenger can win with far less. This is beyond reason. We must close the Pandora's box opened by this recall, or we will face a future of uncertainty, retribution, and wasted public funds. - The U.S. has no recall provision for its chief executive; elections and impeachment have served this country well for generations. California does not need a recall provision either. So vote No on the recall, then vote to send a message: the recall provision in our constitution threatens the prosperity of the state.
"Collectively, we candidates have turned this election into a circus. But I'm going to keep right on doing my part in it anyway!"
Kevin Richter - Republican Party: I breathe.

Kurt E. "Tachikaze" Rightmyer - Independent: The name Tachikaze stands for "wind from a sword stroke." As the leading middleweight of the California State Sumo Series and a serious, well-educated, nonpartisan candidate for governor, I will attack the 800-pound gorilla of big government from every angle and fight determinedly to restore California to a state where all citizens and legal residents can be proud to live. Say goodbye to an increasingly restricted, more expensive, poorer quality of existence . . . and say hello to Tachikaze - "because being governor is no party."

B. E. Smith - Independent: I spent two years in federal prison because I grew medical marijuana for myself and others under the Compassionate Use Act passed by the citizens of California. But our voices mean nothing to Washington. Why elect me for Governor? I will pardon all persons convicted in California of victimless crimes, such as growing, selling, transporting or using marijuana, including those in prison for such convictions. I will not prosecute any victimless crimes. I will not chase phantom crimes, innocent acts that legislators make into crimes to show they are "tough on crime," so they can keep themselves in office, but will free up millions of tax dollars from these phantom-crimes chases to be spent on real criminals. I will not accept a salary as Governor. I will demand voluntary rollback of outrageous energy contracts signed by my predecessors. My message is simple: "Either roll back these unconscionable contracts voluntarily, or I will have the courts roll them back." We have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to seize control of government. I will employ the full powers of our Constitution to put the will of all California into action. Californians: Rise up; cast off the chains of tyranny! Elect someone who will stand up for you! I stood up for you in Vietnam and before the federal government! I'll do it again as your Governor! Let Washington, politicians and big business hear the voice of the jury that counts: the voters of California!

Diane Beall Templin - American Independent Party: May the Lord give you the wisdom of Solomon as you vote. I pray that the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God will guide me in all decisions, especially in selecting the best and brightest trusted servants to resolve the budget crisis and heal our land. 2 Chronicles 7:14 Please see www.dianetemplin.com and info on the American Independent Party in this Voter Guide for my positions on the issues. If questions - call me 760-480-0428 or E-mail me at dianetemplin@nethere.com."
Yes. This is the weirdest voter information booklet I have ever received.
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