I broke up with Mikie today. And you know how a lot of you have seen how bitter and angry and resentful and furious I was at the last two people with whom my attempts at romantic relationships did not work out? You know how I ranted on and on for weeks and months about how they were both the devil incarnate (not that I believe in the devil, but somehow they managed to be it anyway)? You know how I seem to be incapable of ever breaking up with anyone without utterly seethingly loathing them afterward?
Yes, well, that's because those people were indeed the devil incarnate. But Mikie isn't. Mikie is sweet and adorable and wonderful and deserves to be loved, and all of you should go add Mikie to your friends lists and offer your sympathies to Mikie, not to me, because Mikie is the one who deserves them most and if you really want to make me feel better then letting me see Mikie surrounded by affection right now is the way to do it.
If you do not know Mikie yet, then you have been missing out on a very beautiful person. Why should you believe me on this? You should believe me because I don't think there's any possible higher praise or more trustworthy recommendation than a glowing testimonial from an ex-lover who just broke up with someone, unless it is a glowing testimonial from an ex-lover who also happens to have historically been as bitter and angry against most ex-lovers as I have.