Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Endings and Aloneness

I seem to have ended up best friendless again, and my life feels empty. I had a new form of breakup on Sunday with the person (Mikie) who has been my best friend for the past year, and who is also my ex. Not another breakup in the sense of having un-broken up and then re-broken up, but another breakup in the sense of having first broken up to a certain limited degree and stayed that way, but now breaking up to a larger degree.

I still wish Mikie only good things in life. It's just that I'm not going to try to personally cause em good things in life. Ey has only been becoming more and more unhappy, and I've run out of energy.

I'm trying to put together a life again. Why is it that even when I know perfectly well that I have at least half a dozen to a dozen other friends who understand me very completely, having had and lost the one I spent the most time with makes the others seem so unable to compare at all with what I've lost? Have my other friendships really dwindled? No - they're better than they were a year ago, probably better than they were two years ago too. Three and four years ago I had a best friend again, a different best friend. Five and six years ago my life was much much emptier than now. Seven years ago I had my best friend of nine years still, the woman for whom I turned queer. I want that again. I've been trying to get back to that for so long - yet I don't actually want it with anyone like her: I'm pickier these days and there were good reasons that friendship ended. So I'm not really reaching for anything I ever used to have. I'm reaching for something unprecedentedly fantastic. No wonder I don't feel more optimistic about getting it.

Yet I do have people, an unprecedented number of people even, who understand me, and who I like. Plenty of people have much less than me. Mikie has much less than me. And Mikie is the one being dumped. What right do I have to be sad? Well, I do have a right to be sad but I also need to do something productive with it. My life feels empty but I need to find ways to make it feel full again.
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