Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Gayle's Adventures in Scary So-Called Food

Those of you who've been telling me for years that I desperately need to develop more adventurous taste buds would have been proud of me at lunch today when, upon discovering that the vending machine was all out of the $1.25 bagel-with-cream-cheese that I had been planning to buy, I decided that rather than paying a whole $2.00 for the only other things in the machine that I knew for sure were edible, I would bravely experiment with one of the other $1.25 things in the machine that looked like it theoretically might be edible. There was a mysterious item in an opaque package labeled "Chicken and Monterey Jack Cheese" for $1.25, which I peered at suspiciously in search of any fine print mentioning vegetables, or any little green speckles in the photograph on the front. I found nothing, and it was the only thing that cheap that looked like it might be edible, so I decided to save myself 75 cents by purchasing it.

When I opened the package (after microwaving it first), I discovered that the contents looked something like a burrito, or an egg roll, or . . . you know, one of those various things that come enclosed in some sort of flexible grain product. I've never eaten a single bite of any burrito in my life, having been thoroughly scared away by the combination of the facts that (a) I hate anything spicy-hot, (b) I hate that soft-taco stuff that they wrap burritos in, and (c) the insides of burrito always seem to look like something a housepet vomited up. I have eaten occasional bites of egg roll in my life, but most of these bites were interrupted by discovering bits of vegetable inside most of the egg rolls in question, at which point I stopped eating. So I was a bit put off by the fact that this thing I had paid real money for, even if only $1.75, visually resembled only food items that I had rather negative associations with. However, the label on the package remained reassuring. The smell of the object in my hand, while not overpoweringly amazing, was also on the faintly pleasant side, which further encouraged me. And the shell bore more resemblance to egg roll shells (which taste okay) than to burrito shells (which do not taste okay).

So . . . I took a bite. And the insides of it did look exactly like housepet vomit. The smell remained faintly pleasant. As for the taste, it was . . . tolerable, but faintly unpleasant. Not extremely unpleasant, though. Reminding myself that I had, after all, wasted a perfectly good $1.25 on this item, I did eventually manage to force myself to eat the whole entire thing. So all in all, I felt rather proud of myself.

But then I spent most of the afternoon feeling very sick to my stomach. After which I decided that the moral of this story is that no matter how encouraging the labels on the package or the smell might be, I really should stick to my previous, entirely sensible policy: Do Not Eat Food That Looks Like Housepet Vomit.
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