Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Dear Fascist Apartment Complex Management,

Dear Fascist Apartment Complex Management,

First of all, I really do have better things to do with my time than continually run around photocopying my car registration and insurance documents for you every single time I renew them, under threat of having you revoke permission for me to park in the parking lot if I don't. It's not your responsibility to check whether I'm abiding by car registration and insurance laws. That's the responsibility of the DMV and the police department. Anyway, I am abiding by them - I'm just sick of constantly having to prove it to you.

But I did prove it to you anyway. I drove to the library and photocopied everything and delivered it to you right on time, just like you asked demanded. So it was all the more aggravating to find a warning notice on my car this morning, claiming that I had no right to park in my own assigned parking space and informing me that you were planning to tow my car away at my own expense - which you have in fact done once before already, with similar complete lack of any justification - if I didn't remove my car within 24 hours. What if I'd had today off work? I might not have seen the notice before you did tow it away.

So anyway, I had to spend my morning at work wondering what new idiocy you were up to now - were photocopies not adequate proof for you of my law-abidingness anymore? Do I have to start bringing the originals for you to hold up to the light to search for anti-counterfeiting watermarks in the paper? Had you reallocated my parking space to someone else, irrevocably, for years to come, so that even once you restored to me my right to have a parking space somewhere in the complex, you would have none left to assign me that weren't at the opposite end of the complex from my apartment? This kind of stress is not conducive to earning the paychecks of which I fork over large portions to you in rent money. Eventually I reached you on the phone. "I gave you everything you asked for," I protested. "Why are you now threatening to tow my car away for being parked in the same parking spot I've been parking it in for the past six years already, the parking spot that you assigned to me yourselves when I moved in?"

"You're not allowed to store cars on the property that don't work," you said. "It's in your rental agreement, you should know that."

Don't work??? What do you think I drove to work in this morning??? What did you do, break in and try to start it with your own car keys and then get miffed because you couldn't go for a joyride in it?

"Oh," you said, "well, the form says here it was dusty, and if cars are dusty, he assumes they don't work."

Um. The rental agreement does not say anything about me not being allowed to store a car on the property if it has dust on it. The car is only four years old, has no dents in it, has an excellent paint job, does not leak any fluids onto your precious asphalt, and transports me perfectly adequately to and from work every day. You want to know why it's dusty? It's dusty because every time I wash it, I have to cart buckets of water from my kitchen sink to pour on it by hand, because you will not give me access to a hose, and the lack of hose-like water pressure tends to prevent it from getting as clean as it otherwise might. It's also dusty because you did not provide me with a carport, much less an actual garage, that might protect it better from getting re-covered with dust a few days after I clean it. Even so, it's not that dusty. I make excellent use of the squeegees at local gas stations every time I fill the gas tank, and I diligently cart buckets of water from my kitchen sink and scrub it with towels and car-washing fluids between every several gas station squeegeeings. I recognize that it is not waxed so you can see your face reflecting in the silver paint, but it happens to be my car, not yours, and if you care so very much about the bits of dust on it damaging your apartment complex's public image, then feel free to wash it for me yourselves.

None of which, unfortunately, I actually said to you. No, I just sat there quietly while you breezily offered to "let him know that the car works" but then added that I'd better "run it through a quick $5 carwash so he won't make the same mistake next time." Um, and within three days after I run it through the quick $5 carwash, it'll have - gasp! - dust on it again. How about if I subtract the cost of a new $5 carwash every three days from my rent money each month? After all, you're the one who rattled off that phrase "quick $5 carwash" like it was the most negligible expense imaginable.

But no, I didn't say that either. Instead, I paid a perfectly good $5 to a slimy oil company for the price of water. And now my car has . . . well, slightly less dust on it. But if you look at all closely at it, you'll find that there are still some occasional grains of dust that failed to wash off. And you know what else? The grains of dust on the paint do not interfere in the least with the functionality of the engine.

Not that you have any actual reason for caring even if they did, because, ahem, it's not your car. I pay my rent, and with the rent comes a parking space. The car takes up the same amount of space regardless of whether it works or not. It's not harming anything. I wouldn't have been letting you drive it around anyway, so whether it works or not or has dust on it or not or is painted with chartreuse and orange polka dots or not is absolutely none of your business. And if you subject me to much more of this fascism, I may have to go get it painted with chartreuse and orange polka dots, just for the sheer sadistic pleasure of watching you obsess over how the way my car looks will supposedly affect your public image.

Your unwilling subject,
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