Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin
queerbychoice

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A Dialogue on Parent-Child Relationships

Frank Aqueno is worried about me. This bothers me a bit, because he's not normally in the habit of worrying unless there's reason to be worried.

FRANKAQ: is it ever an option for you to not respond to provocation whoever is provoking?
FRANKAQ: or is responding in your genes?
QBC 101: what are you being critical of that i did?
FRANKAQ: nothing specific more the gestalt of it
FRANKAQ: and i'm looking at everything now from the perspective of two dead parents
QBC 101: ok, and what are you seeing?
FRANKAQ: that they are never going to be the parents you wanted
FRANKAQ: that now if there is to be any healthy relationship YOU will have to be the parent
QBC 101: i accepted years and years ago that they were never going to be the parents i wanted
FRANKAQ: what do you want from them?
QBC 101: it's been 10 days . . . forgive me if i don't fully have my bearings yet
QBC 101: i want them to improve
QBC 101: which my mother, at least, is doing
FRANKAQ: yes
QBC 101: what i want more is from myself
QBC 101: to know that if they start telling me again how to live my life in ANY way in the future
QBC 101: that i won't LET them do that.
FRANKAQ: its more how much they can improve given the world they live and have lived in and their ability to take on stress and strain which improving requires
QBC 101: previously i felt trapped because
QBC 101: i was expected to visit them all the time
QBC 101: i didn't LIKE visiting them
QBC 101: and i was in a position where
QBC 101: i couldn't really EXPLAIN why i didn't want to visit them
QBC 101: they were always constantly asking me things like "don't you love us anymore?"
QBC 101: and i always wanted to scream "NO!!!! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
FRANKAQ: and you were unable to Not visit
QBC 101: right
QBC 101: so now i have gotten around to giving reasons why i would want to not visit, and successfully asserting that they are reasonable reasons which my parents are no longer allowed to consider irrational and impermissible
QBC 101: so what i want to do is maintain this freedom where at times when i Do Not Want to Visit, then i can say so and they have enough sense to shut up and leave me in peace until such time as i may actually feel like visiting
FRANKAQ: why were u unable to deal with that issue specifically and directly by itself
FRANKAQ: visiting
QBC 101: first of all
QBC 101: i have a VERY VERY VERY hard time standing up to them to their faces
QBC 101: they have a way of conveying that i'm Not Allowed to feel what i do feel, whether it's anger, alienation or whatever, and i get afraid that they'll cry on me
QBC 101: so it was necessary to barricade myself across town
QBC 101: at that point, i could certainly have just said "i don't want to visit you anymore" and left it at that
QBC 101: but it seemed rather unfair . . .
QBC 101: so first of all i didn't have a whole lot to lose from coming out as long as i was staying across town from them
QBC 101: and secondly, it was a way to make them take my demand to be left alone more seriously
QBC 101: which was important, since i wasn't entirely capable of preventing them from driving across town and stalking me lying in wait outside my front door demanding an explanation
FRANKAQ: yes i'm just aware that your excellent desire and action to be independent from them must have thrown them and continues to throw them for a loop
QBC 101: do you have suggestions?
FRANKAQ: to be very aware of just that
FRANKAQ: right now
QBC 101: i think i'm aware of that already
QBC 101: you must bear in mind i declared my independence from them in my OWN head 10 years ago
FRANKAQ: and to be aware that right now you are in MORE contact if not actually in person than you were before your desire to be more independent led to action
one can become MORE dependent in a very different way ending up just as dependent on them
QBC 101: ok
QBC 101: yes, i am aware of the risk, i know plenty of queer people who are out to their parents and then look to their parents for permission about how to live their lives, WHICH queer lover to take and such
FRANKAQ: focusing on the areas where you belive they will NEVER improve
and keeping those in mind
and then not expecting any changes there
QBC 101: i haven't really figured out what areas those are at the moment.
QBC 101: like i said, it's only been 10 days, and i haven't fully got my bearings yet.
FRANKAQ: yes
QBC 101: but it's not like i've been in the habit of being emotionally dependent on them . . . i have a very very very long established policy of disregarding their opinions and thinking for myself on absolutely everything
FRANKAQ: are you getting any rest ha ha
QBC 101: i am, for the past 3 days or so, finally living a pretty normal life, not crying 16 hours a day or anything
QBC 101: the turning point came 3 days ago
QBC 101: since then i've been doing pretty well.
FRANKAQ: the president would be so proud that ur back to normal
QBC 101: lol
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