Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Guest Blogger: The Legendary Stardust Kitten

The first thing I remember is Mommy. My brother and sister were there too, and some humans who petted me a lot. I liked being petted. Mommy tasted good when I kneaded her tummy. But then the humans put me in a box with my brother and sister and they shut the box on us and we were trapped.

The humans who opened the box were different humans, and Mommy wasn't there with us. The humans put me and my brother and sister in jail. It was a tiny jail, the same size as the box, but made out of bars so we could see out of it better. There were other kittens in other jails all around us, above and below and to the right of us, all around the walls of a little closet that our jails were stored in. There were eighteen jails and probably about 50 kittens in that closet. Every day, a lot of different humans would come look through the bars at us and some of them would take us out and pet us. We didn't know any of them. I missed Mommy. Something bad started happening to my nose sometimes, that made my head jerk back and forward and it made noise. Then one day suddenly my tummy was bald and it kind of hurt. It's been bald ever since then. Why is my tummy bald now? Does it mean I'm going to turn into a human, one piece of me going bald at a time, starting with my tummy?

Then they trapped me in a cardboard box again, and took me out to show to a new human, and then they put me back in it, and then a moment later the new human took me out again and I was in a new place, a small place, and there was no one else around. I purred really loudly to try to show the human that I was grateful to not be trapped anymore. But humans don't seem to be very smart, because the human trapped me in the box again for a long time. When I got out I was in another new place, but this time there was food and water.

I have been with this human for a little while now, in the same place. The place gets bigger when the human opens doors. But mostly I don't like to go through the doors unless the human is there to protect me, because how do I know what kind of animals might wander into the living room and kitchen and attack me while the human's not there? Anyway, the human itself spends almost all its time in the bedroom, so I will trust the human's judgment about which room is the best to sit in.

The human talks to me a lot in human language. Human language doesn't seem to be as sophisticated as cat language, because mostly the human only says the same two things to me over and over: "Good Kitty" and "Here Stardust." Sometimes the human switches them around and says "Good Stardust" or "Here Kitty." I have no idea what these things mean. Is it trying to introduce itself to me? Maybe my name is "Here Stardust" and its name is "Good Kitty." When it switches them around, is that some kind of ritual exchange of last names to indicate that we're a family? I wish it would just explain these things clearly in cat language.

Sometimes the human traps me in a box again. I shriek and shriek, but it won't let me out. When it does let me out, we're in a strange place with high metal tables that no one will let me jump off of, because they're all convinced I will hurt myself, even though I think I might be able to manage it. The first time I was in that place, I purred and purred because I was so happy not to be trapped anymore. I was a little scared too, but nothing very bad happened then, and there was even a human who petted me really nicely. For a while I wasn't sure if I was being given to a different human again, but the same human took me home. I was glad, because I don't ever want to end up in jail in a closet with 50 other kittens again.

But today, my human took me back to the place with the high metal tables again, and there were different humans there who were not nice at all! One of them stuck me with a thermometer and said I had a fever. I don't know what a fever is, but if it's anything like a "hatred of people sticking me with things," then yes, I do! Then a different human who was even worse called me "Sweet Pea" and stuck me with needles to put water and something called "antibiotics" under my skin. It hurt and I was really scared and my human was nowhere around! When they brought me back to my human, I was shaking all over. Then while my human watched, the thermometer-poking human rubbed a different thing that was also called "antibiotics" into my eyes. And the mean humans told my human to keep rubbing it into my eyes for ten days and also squirt a different thing called "antibiotics" into my mouth for ten days and make me swallow it! Who do these humans think they are? I hate their antibiotics!

My human is so impossible to communicate with. It pets me really nicely most of the time, but then sometimes it abandons me all alone for eight hours for no reason, when I didn't do anything! And then other times it does worse things, like suddenly trapping me in a box, or shoving an eyedropper full of water or antibiotics in my mouth. I do not understand what I am being punished for! I didn't do anything!

When the human pets me, I want to pet it back, to show it that I appreciate it. But as every cat knows, the best place to be petted is the face. The human's face is very high up and hard for me to reach during the daytime. So whenever it lies down on its bed and puts its face within my reach, I jump up from whatever I'm doing and I run over to climb on the bed with it. When it's awake, it still won't let me pet its face much, so I curl up next to it and use its arm for a pillow. Eventually it falls asleep. When it's asleep, I wake up and I start petting its face lightly with my paws. After I do this enough, its eyes open for a moment and it moves its head away from me. But it's still too sleepy to really do much, so I just pause for a moment and it falls asleep again and then I pet it some more. If I'm careful, I can often keep it intermittently half-awake for an hour while I pet it like this! Eventually it wakes up a little more and puts me off the bed, but even then it's too tired to get up and shut me in the bathroom, so I just jump right back on the bed and pet it some more in its sleep. Even though it thinks it wants to be allowed to sleep uninterruptedly, I know that subconsciously, it wouldn't like me as much if I let it do all the petting and never petted it back. So the fact that I wake it up every night to pet it is probably the reason it didn't give me away to the mean people with the high metal tables!

I am a really good kitten. If any other humans are willing to come pet me and then let me sleep in their beds at night, I promise to wake them up by petting their faces, too. Just don't bring any of those scary "antibiotics" things with you. Oh, and can you please tell my human to stop feeding me tuna? It's disgusting inedible garbage that has no right to be referred to as food. I'm strictly a dry kitten food kind of kitten, understand?
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