Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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I was both myself and not myself. The world was dark and silent and cold far below me and I was circling above it in the sky. When I flew down to land there was a vast expanse of water: there's a low spot in my parents' backyard by the faucet under the living room window where water sometimes collects in a puddle about two feet across, and I landed in that and I was an eighth of an inch tall so it was vast to me. My parents were asleep in their bedroom which was far below, under the surface of the puddle, in the deepest depths. The water was liquid and rippled, yet held my weight as though it were ice. I skated around on it wearing, of all things, roller skates. I could see my parents asleep in the distance below me and the loud rasp of my father's breathing surrounded me, infuriating me with his peaceful apathy about having hurt me. I wanted to find a big long sharp stick and shove it down through the water to rudely awaken him and leave bloody scratches all over his face. I wanted to turn the freezing cold faucet on him in his sleep and awaken him screaming. I wanted to do anything at all to get his attention. I plotted a million methods of murdering him.

Gradually this dream drifted into another. It was still nighttime in my parents backyard and I was still in the midst of a vast expanse of water, but this time it was the swimming pool and I was human-sized and swimming in it. I was human-sized but not necessarily human, still both myself and not myself. I was human-sized but with the mind of a child or a kitten, nonverbal and instinctually playful. A big strange butterfly-like thing flew by me and I chased it. It flew into the oleander bushes around the pool filter and I got down on my hands and knees to peer through the branches at it. There was an electrical device of some kind that had somehow gotten tangled in the branches and exposed to the weather until it was considerably worse for wear, and the butterfly-like thing had somehow bumped into it and turned it on. The device was severely malfunctioning and spewing out a continuous pink bolt of electricity along with a wild spray of pink sparks. I kept trying to reach over and shut the device off somehow, but it was dangerous and I was still wet from the pool and several times I got severely electrocuted. Then I watched as the thickest pink bolt slowly cut through a huge oleander branch. When the branch fell to the ground dead, the bolt flailed in my direction and hit me dead on. After I woke up I lay in bed a long time thinking about what it feels like to die of electrocution.
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