Gayle Madwin (queerbychoice) wrote,
Gayle Madwin

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Incompetent Dressmakers

So the custom-made ivory velvet dress I ordered a few weeks ago for $50 was delivered today, and I have several major problems with it. #1: The people I ordered from apparently have not acquired advanced enough vocabulary to know what the word "ivory" means. The fabric they used is sort of pale bluish-silver. Greys and silvers don't work on me. I asked for ivory and so I should receive ivory. #2. They asked me for my measurements on the order form. Since they asked, why the hell didn't they make use of the numbers I gave them? The dress they sent has a neckhole two full feet across - they must think I have the shoulders of a football quarterback! Their neckhole is not only bigger around than my neck, but bigger around than my shoulders, bigger around than my hips . . . put the dress over my head, and the entire thing falls instantly to the floor because the neckhole is wider than any part of me. Grr!

Now the question is what I should do next. I did, by the way, go back to J. C. Penney and finally buy the red velvet dress that I'd fallen half in love with there but resisted buying because of the color; I wasn't able to forget about it and in the interim they moved it to the clearance rack and marked the price down to only $20 so that clinched it. (It's completely unheard of to find any dress on sale for $20, much less one that makes you look like a supermodel, so even if it does make you look like a sickly, frighteningly colorless supermodel, you still really have to buy it.) Though I haven't had the courage to actually wear it in public. I wear it inside to admire myself, where I don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks. And I wore it out to the laundry room one day. That was adventurous of me.

But anyway, about this "ivory" dress. I have to figure out whether to return it and yell at them and try to get a refund (but they're not a corporation, they're human beings who hand-sew dresses and they probably need the money more than I do), or forget about it and hope I someday gain 300 pounds so the dress will fit me (or perhaps just buy football shoulder gear and wear the dress over that? I bet that would create an interesting visual image!), or throw more money at them but halve all my measurements this time and hope that they again sew a dress for double the size that I tell them (Hi, I'm Cynthia and my measurements are 19-15-19 . . . you believe me, right? Right? No, I didn't accidentally measure a Barbie doll by mistake and give you her measurements in millimeters! I'm really that size! It's just that . . . um . . . I'm like Cher, I had half my ribs removed to make me skinnier! No, actually, I decided to beat Cher, so I had them all removed! Yes, so now make me a dress and please don't report me to a doctor for anorexia while you're at it!)

::looks at the dress again, and just how ridiculously wrongly sized it is::

Er, no. I'm not throwing any more money anywhere near those people again.

So much for velvet dresses.

I should probably just order the velvet, and make the dress myself. I couldn't possibly do as bad a job as they did.
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